TO, Dead Horses, The G Men, etc.

Why can’t ESPN stop talking about Terrell Owens? Does anyone outside Dallas honestly give a shit whether he practices or not? A few days before their first game against the Giants, update me briefly on his waivering relationship with the Tuna, shoot some relevant stats, and be done with it. I'm sure 95% of the football watching public feels the same way. This constant barrage of coverage is just what that prima donna wants. In covering him ad nauseum, ESPN validates his behavior. Perhaps that's what ESPN is trying to do here; create an environment which fosters more stupid behavior out of the most self-cenetered, and perhaps most talented, player in the NFL....thereby indirectly creating its own news.

I liken ESPN’s propensity for over-covering the Cowboy’s training camp to their over-coverage of that horse that broke its leg in that race. Aside from the gamblers unfortunate enough to have placed bets on the horse to win, and we never hear from them, who cared about that? The only time I heard that horse discussed was ESPN. No one gave a shit. To be fair, some kindergarden classes from the midwest with really stupid teachers cared enough to send the horse "Get Well" cards (I'm not kidding). It was/is (?) a goddamn horse! Is that horse still alive by the way? If not, they were beating a dead horse. Zing. I'd rather watch professional Darts.

Why aren’t the Giants getting any love from the prognosticators? I’ll be the first to admit, almost everything I say about sports stems from biases 25 years in the making. At the same time, however, I’m always right about everything, so you're free to completely ignore that disclaimer regarding my biases as they're immaterial.

The G Men were 11-5 last year. They’ve actually gotten better since then. Eli seems poised to display a more accurate arm this go round; that is if the pre-season has any predictive power whatsoever (and I'm not sure it does). He's a year older, a year wiser (cliche me!), and has an another year's worth of experience and understanding of the Giants' offensive system.

Tiki’s biological clock is ticking. This is well-documented but give me a break….the guy’s superhuman. Even if last year was his best year, anything remotely resembling it will do us just fine provided Eli is ready to assume his share of the responsibility for the team’s success.....and he is. I asked him.

Actually, if there’s anything that doesn’t “fit” or “make much sense” about the Giants, it’s their fleet of talented defensive ends. Given his performance last year, one must assume Strahan’s got something left in the tank and Mr. Osi Umenyiora’s reign of terror has only just begun. Complimenting this already formidable duo on the edge of the defensive line, the Giants have Justin Tuck, a talented second year defensive end out of Notre Dame, and an extremely talented rookie (and BC grad) Mathias Kiwanuka. I guess I shouldn’t complain about too much talent. Especially because, when you consider the acquisition of Mr. Lavar Arrington, it’s a safe bet that teams will NEVER be able to run the football outside on the strong side. Moreover, quarterbacks will spend a lot of time on their backs at the Meadowlands this year.

Their most glaring weakness last year, aside from inexperience and inaccuracy at quarterback, was adequately addressed by picking up Sam Madison and R.W. McQuarters (who, ironically, is actually most useful in nickel packages).

Another weakness actually went unaddressed. Anyone remember watching the Giant’s offensive line jump offsides constantly last year? So much so, in fact, that it almost killed the watchability of a few games? When I was an offensive guard, circa 1989-1990, and I didn’t know the count (this occurred quite frequently....for some reason, the huddle was an ADD playground for me) or couldn’t hear the quarterback’s cadence because of crowd noise (what?), I just waited until the center, who was right next to me with the ball, started moving. Someone send this blog entry to Luke Pettigout. Please!!! Luke, if you’re out there. If you can hear me, just wheel your fat head around Mr. David Diehl and check out Mr. O’Hara’s right hand. This technique is fool proof.

Quick aside: Every time the ball was snapped that magical football season, my only season spent on offense and in the trenches, I don’t think I EVER knew what play we were running, who I was supposed to block or what the count was. I also didn’t ever jump offsides!

In closing, have some self-respect Pettigout. I smell Superbowl….an odor that will soon sour if you don’t either start paying attention or adopt my methods!!!!!!!!

Please also consider: Contrary to popular belief the Eagles will finish second. Yes, I'm giving the acquisition of Dante Stallworth that much weight. As much as it pains me to admit it, McNabb's pretty dangerous when handed a legitimate weapon. The Redskins have no quarterback and no coach (the game has passed Gibbs by). Dallas has a virus. Not sure if you've heard. Tune in to ESPN for the details (which include anal probes, hidden cameras, and yes, Sal Palontonio).