Dear Claiborne,

Comments aside, I've gotten quite a few emails in defense of Jimmy Page's greatness.

It popped into my head this morning that Nels Cline, of Nels Cline Singers and currently of Wilco (nelscline.com/top200.html), lists what he thinks to be the 200 greatest guitarists of all-time on his website. This guy is legit. He’s played with Thurston Moore and Bill Frisell. Those are not opportunities afforded to hacks. Point being; this guy is a credible source. I consulted the list this morning as I was curious to see if Page made the cut. He did.

Further complicating this ongoing debate/bs session is the need to differentiate between technically virtuosic and actually good players. If you’re talking technical virtuosity, I’d bet a lot of people would bring up Ed Van Halen and Joe Satriani and they might exclude genius' like Jimi Hendrix and Neil Young (I will never forget an argument I had as a sophomore in high school with a band geek who enthusiastically overlooked that added dimension of musical greatness in his contention that Jimi Hendrix was not a great guitarist. “He’s good,” he told me, “but not great”). To this very day, if someone tells me Ed Van Halen is a better guitar player than Jimi Hendrix, which does happen, I spit, but that’s just me.

I guess my point is that, for some people, Jimmy Page was and is IT. People pay attention to varying levels of detail when they listen to music. Some people that maybe don’t listen to a broad spectrum of music might not want to acknowledge that Page’s greatness is contingent on the scope and definition of greatness. For example, in my humble opinion, he’s not a virtuoso guitar player but he has written some of the best and most memorable riffs I’ve ever heard. He's also composed some great songs. Obvi!

While you’d have to be pretty stupid not to give Led Zeppelin any credit for their body of work, their influence, and their copious lifestyle (which no one has done here...contrary to some of the comments), it’s also silly to pretend Led Zeppelin's catalogue is beyond reproach.

Only The Important Stuff

What’s the deal with old man gym locker room nudity? If you’re going to be naked, is there an associated etiquette? Is pointing three hair dryers at your genitals in plane view within that framework?

I ate a banana this morning and almost threw the peel out the window of my car. "It’s biodegradable" I told myself. But then I decided against it when the image of a stranger stepping on it, slipping, and falling entered my head. Does this ever really happen? Or is this just a cartoon phenomenon?

Has anyone ever been polled? Judging by what I read and the volume of polls referenced therein, there are a toooooon of polls going on right at this very moment. How come no one I have ever heard of has been polled? They would have told me right? Where is all this polling done?

Every single woman in my soon to be old office complains constantly and about everything. Why is this? “It’s too cold in here”, “my chair’s uncomfortable”, “I hate the color combination in here, when are the painters coming?” “I need more storage space”, “I need more desk space!” Shut up!

Are elephants really afraid of mice?

Does Jesus still sport a beard? If so, is it all scraggly like it must have been when he was on earth? Or do they have the same shaving technology in heaven that we have here on earth?

Do baseball players realize it’s hilarious when they lean their bats up against their cups while they tighten their batting gloves? Judging by their faces, you’d think they didn’t know these games are even televised. If only I were a big leaguer....

How does Pitchfork Media rationalize having given Paris Hilton’s new single a positive review? Why is she still treated like an aristocrat? She’s in a night vision porno for god’s sake. Most real porn stars are too good for night vision film.

Why are old people always so something? So stupid, so hairy, so quiet, so nice, so wrinkly, so pissed off, so bitter, so smelly, so punctual, so deaf. Why?

Did TO really try to kill himself?

How badly does it hurt to quarterback an NFL game after having ruptured your spleen?

How come I can be so distract-able, spending significant amounts of time getting excited about football and weddings, when the world is such a shitty place with so many shitty things going on at any given shitty moment?

What are these “[ ]”? They’re always in newspaper articles but I don’t get ‘em. I used to think they were words inserted by the author that the person they’re quoting did not actually say but probably meant….but I don’t think that’s right.

Which ND will show up this weekend against Purdue?

Will the Giants make the playoffs?

How many games will it take the Yankees to win the World Series this year?

How come I sweat while sitting perfectly still?

Should I see Jackass II? The first one was pretty funny.

Is Hugo Chavez as crazy as the media has made him out to be?

How come I typically associate American Jews with liberalism and also with the unconditional support of Israel (obviously Chomsky isn't my archaetype)? For example, on what basis does Woody Allen cast his vote? Isn’t there a contradiction to be overcome here?

How much money will George W. Bush command for speaking engagements once he is an ex-president? Not much, right? I mean, certainly not Bill Clinton money.

Zed Leppelin- by The Sgt.

That original posting got a rise out of a lot of different people. My dad actually took some flack for his comments from one of my kid brother's friends. Here is his official response:

Led Zeppelin (1969)
This was a very strong first effort, just nudged out by IV as the best in their catalog. Here they are primarily a blues band; loud and aggressive but not an all out assault as many of their heavy metal followers were. Good mix of louder and softer passages.

Led Zep II (1969)
This was a big step down from I with 3 good songs and 6 average ones but this did firmly establish their sound. Whole Lotta Love has to be the most overrated song in the history of rock music. Heartbreaker is typical of future Jimmy Page guitar solos; some nice ideas but always a sloppy section where his fingers can’t keep up with his head.

Led Zep III (1970)
Another step down from II. Only 2 good songs out of 10, the best being a pure blues number, Since I’ve Been Loving You. The PR machine is cranking now.

Led Zep IV (1971)
Redemption! This is their masterpiece. All eight songs are strong and one qualifies for one of the finest in rock history.

Houses of the Holy (1973)
They fall back to earth with 3 good songs and 5 average ones. By now the sound is firmly established and they are selling out arenas. Their touring persona is just as if not more important than their music.

Physical Graffiti (1975)
Total bombast! Now that they are making money hand over fist they can indulge their musical excesses. The most popular song from the album, Kashmir, is 8 minutes of nothing happening. Songs are generally longer to accommodate half fleshed out ideas that never amount to anything.

Presence (1976)
The well has run dry for Jimmy Page. I know plenty of people own this one only because it was a habit.

In Through the Out Door (1979)
Rock music was changing and Zep was tired. At least this one had 2 decent songs.

CODA (1982)
Fulfilling a recording contract. Enough said.


Jimmy Page – The third best guitarist to come out of the Yardbirds. Always had a tendency for sloppy passages in his solos. A very good player but not one of the best despite his reputation. He wrote plenty of good songs on albums 1-5 but ran out of ideas for the last 4. Has anyone heard any of his solo work?(didn’t think so) I always got a chuckle out of his on stage persona; scrunched up face, low slung guitar pounding out arena chords like he was making an important musical statement. I believe he thought his shit didn’t stink. I guess if I was making all that money I would think that too.

John Bonham – I always got a kick out the people that were impressed that on the first half of his drum solo on Moby Dick he was using his hands and not drum sticks. Claim to fame was his big sound and ability to keep the beat when blind drunk. As far as drunk drummers, I would take Keith Moon anyday. Bonzo could not hold a candle to Clive Bunker (Jethro Tull), Ginger Baker (Cream), Mitch Mitchell ( Jimi Hendrix), Michael Giles ( King Crimson), Bill Bruford (Yes, King Crimson), Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzman ( The Dead). Should I keep going? Again, a good timekeeper but not one of the greats.

John Paul Jones – I wonder if he sails. He played the bass and some keyboards. Enough said.

Robert Plant – Had a truly distinctive voice and at the end of the day that is what every musician wants.

Cross Your Fingers

A recently declassified intelligence document indicates that jihadists are being recruited, created and geographically dispersing faster than our foreign policy kills/neutralizes/stabilizes the region. This is a failure by Rumsfeld’s definition of success. Ok. So this isn’t really working is it George? Don't answer that.

Maybe we should just hope suicide bombers will get so overzealous that the rate at which they blow themselves up will compensate for our government’s short-sighted, ill-conceived tactics. Cross your fingers. We’re not winning the war on terror but maybe if we just stay the course, they’ll win it for us!

Yesterday, in Afghanistan, a bombing that killed 18 people and 12 of them were civilians. This brings me to another question: When are the peaceful, rational Muslims I am told exist going to stand up and do something for the sake of their own people? What's the worst that could happen? Speak up, you might die in a suicide bombing. Don't speak up, you might die in a suicide bombing.

Shall We Dance?

Why is saying hello to females so nerve-wracking??? Perhaps I’m making a mountain out of an ant hill…..but I don’t think so.

One likely has friends of the female persuasion to which they feel close enough to avoid any of the greeting anxiety of which I speak. Unfortunately, for every one woman that fits this bill, there’s a wedding party’s worth of potential sweaty palmed handshakes, eternal moments of pained silence, forced chuckling, hesitant hugs, and unrequited kisses of the cheek.

As Mussolini drifted into a gentle slumber beside me in the passenger seat of my lesbian-mobile, my mind wandered to the encroaching hellos that were sure to follow our arrival at the hotel. I was lucky this past weekend. Aside from the countless female strangers I could easily avoid meeting [sober], I liked all the women that would be attending the wedding, bride included. Yet, this fact gave me no respite from my social anxiety. I hadn’t seen some of them in quite some time. What if the social mores of Southern California, NYC, and Southwest Connecticut had matured or changed since we were last in a room together? What if I leaned in for a hug and kiss only to whiff as the object of my misdirected etiquette instinctively retreated from me? What if I extended my sweaty hand just as she dutifully leaned in to receive a hug? What if I leaned in for a kiss on the left side while she leaned in for a kiss on the right….and then our lips met as onlookers gushed? Or what if we just bumped heads?

It was then and there on the Garden State Parkway that I made my decision; no matter who the lady or what the circumstances, every chick I knew would get a hug and a kiss on their right cheek. And I must say, this approach was remarkably effective. So much so, in fact, that I was able to shift my attention and focus to my obsessive compulsive disorder for keeping my suit un-wrinkled.

Hollywood...Boston Style

I don't usually get excited about movies. In fact, I couldn't tell you the name of the last good movie I saw. Wait.....yes I can. Cinderella Man was phenomenal. I saw it reluctantly. For some reason all the hype, critical acclaim, and trailer didn't do it for me. Which explains why I saw it a few years after its release, on HBO. Great movie though. Russell Crowe never makes crap. At least if he does I haven't seen it.

I'm really pumped about The Departed. I stumbled upon some of the production information about a year ago that included a brief description of the plot, the cast, and the circumstances under which the movie was being filmed. Scorsese, Nicholson, DiCaprio, Damon, Wahlberg, and Baldwin in an Irish Mob story that takes place in Boston. Sick!

For those of you who may have been living under a rock, this movie's a remake/translation/cultural appropriation of a Japanese movie about the Yakuza infiltrating the Japanese FBI (yup, they call it FBI too) and a member of the FBI infiltrating the Yakuza. The framework for the plot follows this same premise, only Scorsese has moved the action to Boston with its characters preferring potatoes and Jameson over sushi and saki. About 70% of the movie was filmed in New York because of a tax break available in NYC that is not offered in Boston, but the entire movie is set in Boston though only 30% of it was filmed there.

Also, if my understanding is correct, the story and characters have been changed to loosely parrallel the circumstances detailed in Black Mass (great book) during the heyday and downfall of the Irish Mafia in Boston. Jack Nicholson, for example, plays the Whitey Bulger type character; a morally depraved, ruthless, hypocrite. Actually, Robert DiNero turned down this role, which I think is a good thing....as DiNero's played too many Italian mobsters to pull off a mick from South Boston.

In much the manner people used to expect of Scorsese (pre-Aviator), The Departed is supposed to be really raw with violence, profanity, death, destruction and mayhem.....like all good gangster movies. Can't wait.

Here and There

I’ve got this friend. He teaches English in Tokyo. He approached me in cyberspace (I know, I thought it was weird too....like a dream) some time ago, asking if I would be open to sharing a meal with one of his students that would be studying abroad in Boston. I eagerly obliged. Eventually, I started exchanging emails with the student. From them, it was apparent she was an eager learner and seeker of new experiences. While not fluent in English, she was able to convey to me her disdain for the Boston Red Sox and her love of the New York Yankees. This won me over instantaneously. As I would come to learn, everyone in Japan loves the Yankees because of Hideki Matsui.

Eventually, we found a date and time that worked for Mussolini and I, and Hitomi. I picked her up on my way home from work and the three of us walked from my apartment to the North End for some Italian. As Hitomi’s understanding of English seems a bit ahead of her ability to speak it, my girlfriend and I found ourselves carrying much of the conversation. We didn’t mind though, and she didn’t seem to either, which kept the dynamic of our little group relaxed and informal. She promises to tell us more about Japan the next time we meet.

Anyways, as she was very interested in learning the history of Boston, Charlestown and the North End specifically, I was able to indulge my rambling blah blah blah-ness. I think, and I’m not 100% sure, that Crispus Attucks was shot and killed in the North End, although I know he is buried in the cemetery on Tremont Street. I vaguely remember being told of Crispus Attucks when I was in school but what I do not recall, was race having ever been part of the lesson. Which, in a roundabout way, leads me to my point...

The death of Crispus Attucks was used to launch the war campaign in the Massachusetts. Is it not interesting and relevant then, that Attucks is said to have been portrayed as a white man for the purposes of the Revolutionary War's marketing campaign when he was known to be some combination of white, black, and native American descent? It is at least relevant and worthy of inclusion in the academic discussion of the revolution’s infancy, to mention the possibility that its engineers were prepared to send Attucks down in the annals of American history as a white man, because if the truth were known, the massacre would have been more of an incident and less of a massacre and rallying cry.

I can’t help but feel disappointed with the way- and this is only one of countless examples- I/we have been spared the “details” in school because when they didn’t mesh with the antiquated romantic notion of our forefathers to which we continue to cling. Truth and the pursuit thereof are implicitly considered subversive in American schools. Isn’t that a bummer? During all that time you spent with your nose in what you took to be a history book, you were actually just being conditioned not to question the official manifestations of American morality.

Ok, I’m stepping down off my soap box.

Anonymous

Who anonymously heckles bloggers? Seriously? And I mean if you're gonna do it, at least proofread your material and make sure some of it's actually funny. There's probably plenty of fodder here for successful criticism. But the best this kid could come up with was saying that I am an overweight loser. This has gotta be "Bob Plant" right (the same heckler from a previous posting)? Anyways, that's the last I'll speak of her (gender joke, always funny).

Moving on.....

I was very very wrong in my Notre Dame prediction. That loss was so devastating, however, that I'm not going to write anything further on it.....except that ND seemed flat and soft on both sides of the ball.

How about the New York Giants dramatic come from behind win in Philly?! Was that excellent or what?

To be sure, that game was almost unwatchable for 2 quarters and change. I blame Coughlin for the countless (8) penalties and 4 of the 8 sacks. How does a "disciplinarian" allow his team to churn out that slop for an entire half of football? Since Coughlin took over, the Giants are 3rd in the NFL in penalties. That's awful! What I couldn't understand though, was the inability of Coughlin and Eli to make play call adjustments. It became apparent pretty early on that Manning just wasn't being protected well enough for 5 step drops- yet they continued. They couldn't run the ball either. It seemed to me, the solution should have been some quick hitting stuff to beat the blitz. And don't even get me started on their Shockey-less game plan. There is NO excuse for not getting him the ball early and often. Not only is he an undeniable talent, but with one catch in a little space, he creates a frenzy in the Meadowlands and a Catholic Mass anywhere else.

We must all rejoice, however, as Eli did not succumb to the unyielding pressure of the Eagle defense. Taking his lumps like a man, he didn't force balls into traffic on his way down to the turf (aside from a must convert 3rd down "oh shit" to Carter). When the dust cleared, he actually put up some good numbers (about 31/43 for 371 yards and 3 td's). Most importantly, he was again at his best with the game on the line. I firmly believe that Eli has received too much of the blame for the Giants sputtering offense last year and so far this year. The unfortunate truth of the matter is, this offense doesn't operate as a cohesive unit until games are on the line and we have been lucky, to date, that young Eli has been up the the task. For this team to make and succeed in the playoffs, it will have to cut down on the mental mistakes and some of the complacency it shows towards the middle of football games.

Has anyone seen Osi Umenyora (sp?) or Michael Strahan? I've been looking for them in opposing backfields but haven't seen them yet this season aside from one coverage sack yesterday.

It really is great though to hear Eagles fans stifled by a 17 point deficit being erased by a visiting team in dramatic fashion? I could watch and listen to their reaction to that second half over and over again.

I must also admit to being a little excited about the Bears this year. Having spent almost 4 years in Chicago as a teenager, the Bears are sort of a guilty pleasure for me. This year, it seems they might actually have an offense to compliment their vaunted defense. Provided Grossman hasn't peaked over these last two games, the Bears could be a force to be reckoned with well into the playoffs.

Legends of the Fall

Sweet title, right?

I am afraid I am a bit spaz prone. Last weekend was no exception. Just before kickoff, in a frenzy of anticipation for the New York Football Giants' first game of this young season, I leapt up off of the couch in my apartment and bounded toward the kitchen via dining room; screaming nothing in particular all the way, intent on jumping up and down and screaming nothing in particular while standing beside my lovely girlfriend, who was in the kitchen preparing hors de veures (sp?). Just as she turned towards the commotion, I strode off of the carpet and onto the hardwood floor and went.....vertical.

I went from running and screaming like a retard to being parrallel to and 4 feet off of the ground in an instant. It all happened so fast I didn't even have the time to break my fall with my hands (which is a good thing when you consider my right hand is currently broken and in a velcro cast thing). Mussolini's (my girlfriend) favorite part of the episode, which she was only able to convey to me after she recovered from a prolonged bout of hysterics, was the smile on my face; which remained there for the duration of the episode.

This is what football does to me. It makes me a retard.

Lot of great games this weekend guys. Tons of them actually. There is absolutely no reason to leave the couch from 3:30 EST on, tomorrow afternoon.

LSU v. Auburn- I'm going with Auburn here.

Tennessee v. Florida- I'm going to have to go Tennessee here. Urban Meyer is overrated.

Notre Dame v. Michigan- Give me a break. Notre Dame is going to wipe their butts with Michigan in South Bend.

USC v. Nebraska- Callahan's still got some work left in Lincoln. Nebraska's defense will not be able to account for the pro-style attack of the Trojans.

Men Behaving Badly

Try not to be annoyed with the way this post is riddled with quotation marks.

A friend of mine and I were recently trying to reconcile the amoral lives led by the mobsters on The Sopranos with the fact that we like the characters. We "know" they're "bad" but we pull for them anyway. For some reason, the first issue we tackled was the rampant adultry.

"In the absence of an objective and definitive morality, instinctual inclinations perhaps should be looked upon as moral so long as they do not harm others. As such, it is not “bad” that each and every "made" guy on The Sopranos keeps a goomar. In their social circles this seems to comes with the territory. Many of the mob wives even acknowledge and seemingly accept the inevitability of the goomar. Therefore, it is both the result of an instinctual urge to get laid constantly and an accepted social construct.

By 'instinctual inclinations' I refer to the 'moral' implications of our instincts; the primary instincts being to live and reproduce/get laid. While the bonds formed between family and even friends can be seen as a natural extension thereof, requisite monogamy cannot….unless you’re religious or a pragmatist to the extent that you believe the traditional familial structure to be necessary for macro-social stability."

Basically, we were exchanging emails in which we were tring to rationalize polygamy....which I think is funny... spending company time trying to rationalize Tony Soprano's massive, adulterous libido.

Chester Copperpot

Every once in a while someone pulls off a joke that warrants repeating. It’s not earth shattering or elaborate, just resonates for some reason. Yesterday, a good friend of mine from college called me at work.

Receptionist (slowly and confusedly): Seamus, Chester…. Copperpot on park 1?

Me (whispering to self): Chester Copperpot. That’s from something. Chester Copperpot. What’s that from?

Receptionist: …Seamus?

Me: Yeah, thanks. I got it.

As I picked up the phone I realized at once who the caller must have been and who Chester Copperpot was. There is only one person I know that would call me at work as the ghost of the fortune-seeker in Goonies that had failed where Sean Aston and co. succeeded. Obviously this wasn’t a client.

So, naturally I answered the phone whispering “Chester Copperpot” in an attempt to sound like Aston when he examined the wallet of the skeleton in one of the greatest movies of all time and then shared a laugh with the caller.

Good stuff.

9/11

On September 11, it’s easy and understandable to hesitate in attaching any sense of importance to leisure activity in light of what happened five years ago on this day. Like every American, I remember that morning vividly. I lived in a townhouse with 5 other guys at Fairfield University. I had awoken just before the first plane hit, been sauntering around the kitchen and living room in boxer shorts and a t shirt, groggily preparing myself a bowl of serial, when I turned on the television... I called out to my roommates. I know I sat there for most of the day, surrounded by friends, in near silence, our eyes glued to the television in horrified disbelief. I didn’t go to class. No one did. We could barely even move. I didn’t even put pants on. We (my generation) were collectively devastated, blindsided, confused, angry, and scared all at once and to a degree previously unimaginable.

Unfortunately, this tragedy and this day have come to, at least chronologically, mark the beginning of the most devastating, confusing, angry, fearful, and shameful day and years of my young life. Over the course of subsequent weeks, months, and to this very day, I have mourned the losses of 9/11 as they signify the beginning of a long and seemingly unending succession of days saturated in death, devastation, calculated misfire, and manipulation.

Today, I will continue to mourn; for the Americans we lost five years ago today in a senseless tragedy and for the people the world over that we have been losing ever since, in this downward spiral of senseless tragedy man-made.

Ch...Ch....Ch...Ch.....Ch....Changes

I moved in with my ol' lady last weekend. So far so good but keep your fingers crossed anyway my friends. Can't say I didn't see it coming, but it stung just the same when I was officially told- I think my arms were full of boxes containing her crap at the time- I was not allowed to decorate anything because, "We're not in college anymore." Unbeknownst to me, at some point since May of 2003, I gave up the right to create a decor within my own living space that conveys the sense of irony, toilet humor, laziness and ambivalence that I used to take for granted. Luckily for me, we have an "office" on the second floor where I've been granted free reign by my girlfriend, Mussolini. Basically, there will be a desk, CD player, computer, keyboard, and tons of random tasteless crap on the walls. Now you know where to find me during prime-time reality tv stupid-a-thons.

Moving on:

Some people don't like the early fall. I used to hate it. In the late 80's and 90's, I'm dating myself here, it meant going back to school. Now, the autumn is a time of renewal. Out with the old and in with the new. Most importantly, we are entering autumn and the nexus of the sports universe my friends; where the baseball season, college football season and the NFL season intersect in all their infinite glory....where for but a brief time, I am truly happy. Friends out of town? Too hungover to leave the friendly confines of your house or apartment? Friends all coming over looking for something to do? Completely lucid, refreshed, and energized because you didn't go out last night and as such, got a good night's sleep? Don't fret, there's a goddamn game on!!

Penn State visits South Bend on Saturday. Look for the Irish offense to rebound with a vengeance from their lack-luster performance in the season opener last week in Georgia.

Look for the Yankees to rebound from being blanked by the worst team in baseball last night. At least Mussina's back. I think he spread 4 earned over 5 innings. Not the kind of stuff that will teleport us to the World Series but encouraging nonetheless. I don't know what to say about the lack of offense....besides.... blame A-Rod.

For the first time at any level, the Mannings will square off on the gridiron at the Meadowlands on Sunday night. While I'm not crazy enough to predict Peyton be out-played, though it wouldn't bother me, I'm really just hoping for a win- something I'm also not willing to predict (and thereby risk all the credibility I've accrued through years of accurate prognisticating).

TO, Dead Horses, The G Men, etc.

Why can’t ESPN stop talking about Terrell Owens? Does anyone outside Dallas honestly give a shit whether he practices or not? A few days before their first game against the Giants, update me briefly on his waivering relationship with the Tuna, shoot some relevant stats, and be done with it. I'm sure 95% of the football watching public feels the same way. This constant barrage of coverage is just what that prima donna wants. In covering him ad nauseum, ESPN validates his behavior. Perhaps that's what ESPN is trying to do here; create an environment which fosters more stupid behavior out of the most self-cenetered, and perhaps most talented, player in the NFL....thereby indirectly creating its own news.

I liken ESPN’s propensity for over-covering the Cowboy’s training camp to their over-coverage of that horse that broke its leg in that race. Aside from the gamblers unfortunate enough to have placed bets on the horse to win, and we never hear from them, who cared about that? The only time I heard that horse discussed was ESPN. No one gave a shit. To be fair, some kindergarden classes from the midwest with really stupid teachers cared enough to send the horse "Get Well" cards (I'm not kidding). It was/is (?) a goddamn horse! Is that horse still alive by the way? If not, they were beating a dead horse. Zing. I'd rather watch professional Darts.

Why aren’t the Giants getting any love from the prognosticators? I’ll be the first to admit, almost everything I say about sports stems from biases 25 years in the making. At the same time, however, I’m always right about everything, so you're free to completely ignore that disclaimer regarding my biases as they're immaterial.

The G Men were 11-5 last year. They’ve actually gotten better since then. Eli seems poised to display a more accurate arm this go round; that is if the pre-season has any predictive power whatsoever (and I'm not sure it does). He's a year older, a year wiser (cliche me!), and has an another year's worth of experience and understanding of the Giants' offensive system.

Tiki’s biological clock is ticking. This is well-documented but give me a break….the guy’s superhuman. Even if last year was his best year, anything remotely resembling it will do us just fine provided Eli is ready to assume his share of the responsibility for the team’s success.....and he is. I asked him.

Actually, if there’s anything that doesn’t “fit” or “make much sense” about the Giants, it’s their fleet of talented defensive ends. Given his performance last year, one must assume Strahan’s got something left in the tank and Mr. Osi Umenyiora’s reign of terror has only just begun. Complimenting this already formidable duo on the edge of the defensive line, the Giants have Justin Tuck, a talented second year defensive end out of Notre Dame, and an extremely talented rookie (and BC grad) Mathias Kiwanuka. I guess I shouldn’t complain about too much talent. Especially because, when you consider the acquisition of Mr. Lavar Arrington, it’s a safe bet that teams will NEVER be able to run the football outside on the strong side. Moreover, quarterbacks will spend a lot of time on their backs at the Meadowlands this year.

Their most glaring weakness last year, aside from inexperience and inaccuracy at quarterback, was adequately addressed by picking up Sam Madison and R.W. McQuarters (who, ironically, is actually most useful in nickel packages).

Another weakness actually went unaddressed. Anyone remember watching the Giant’s offensive line jump offsides constantly last year? So much so, in fact, that it almost killed the watchability of a few games? When I was an offensive guard, circa 1989-1990, and I didn’t know the count (this occurred quite frequently....for some reason, the huddle was an ADD playground for me) or couldn’t hear the quarterback’s cadence because of crowd noise (what?), I just waited until the center, who was right next to me with the ball, started moving. Someone send this blog entry to Luke Pettigout. Please!!! Luke, if you’re out there. If you can hear me, just wheel your fat head around Mr. David Diehl and check out Mr. O’Hara’s right hand. This technique is fool proof.

Quick aside: Every time the ball was snapped that magical football season, my only season spent on offense and in the trenches, I don’t think I EVER knew what play we were running, who I was supposed to block or what the count was. I also didn’t ever jump offsides!

In closing, have some self-respect Pettigout. I smell Superbowl….an odor that will soon sour if you don’t either start paying attention or adopt my methods!!!!!!!!

Please also consider: Contrary to popular belief the Eagles will finish second. Yes, I'm giving the acquisition of Dante Stallworth that much weight. As much as it pains me to admit it, McNabb's pretty dangerous when handed a legitimate weapon. The Redskins have no quarterback and no coach (the game has passed Gibbs by). Dallas has a virus. Not sure if you've heard. Tune in to ESPN for the details (which include anal probes, hidden cameras, and yes, Sal Palontonio).