Shall We Dance?

Why is saying hello to females so nerve-wracking??? Perhaps I’m making a mountain out of an ant hill…..but I don’t think so.

One likely has friends of the female persuasion to which they feel close enough to avoid any of the greeting anxiety of which I speak. Unfortunately, for every one woman that fits this bill, there’s a wedding party’s worth of potential sweaty palmed handshakes, eternal moments of pained silence, forced chuckling, hesitant hugs, and unrequited kisses of the cheek.

As Mussolini drifted into a gentle slumber beside me in the passenger seat of my lesbian-mobile, my mind wandered to the encroaching hellos that were sure to follow our arrival at the hotel. I was lucky this past weekend. Aside from the countless female strangers I could easily avoid meeting [sober], I liked all the women that would be attending the wedding, bride included. Yet, this fact gave me no respite from my social anxiety. I hadn’t seen some of them in quite some time. What if the social mores of Southern California, NYC, and Southwest Connecticut had matured or changed since we were last in a room together? What if I leaned in for a hug and kiss only to whiff as the object of my misdirected etiquette instinctively retreated from me? What if I extended my sweaty hand just as she dutifully leaned in to receive a hug? What if I leaned in for a kiss on the left side while she leaned in for a kiss on the right….and then our lips met as onlookers gushed? Or what if we just bumped heads?

It was then and there on the Garden State Parkway that I made my decision; no matter who the lady or what the circumstances, every chick I knew would get a hug and a kiss on their right cheek. And I must say, this approach was remarkably effective. So much so, in fact, that I was able to shift my attention and focus to my obsessive compulsive disorder for keeping my suit un-wrinkled.