White Lies

*Please do try these at home, though with much discretion. The method of which you are about to read was developed and performed by a master.

So a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, recently solicited my advice regarding excessive cuddling inflicted upon him by his girlfriend when he tries to vegg out in front of the television before bed.

We've all been on this boat. It doesn't take the post-sex malaise to make men crave a little space. Sometimes we just want to watch television sprawled out on the couch or floor without anyone touching us. Nothing personal. It's just the way it goes. We still love yah ladies, just not right now.

Previously, this friend had gone with a straightforward but unreliable approach: Gas. If you're lucky enough to have it, it's definitely a cuddling deterrent. But what if you don't? Do we, as men, have any other options? Must we spoon upon every whim?

My proposition:

Fake an injury. Or as I like to think about it, exhaggerate an injury. For non-thespians, it helps to exhaggerate an existing injury. This just makes the task easier. Once you're pretty comfortable with your routine, however, the world/couch is but a stage!

"Oww, my back!"

"My buddy punched me in the ribs. They're really bruised. I can't breath when you lay on me like this."

"I think I slept on my shoulder weird. You're too much."

You get the picture.

This approach has also worked, though with varying degrees of success, in avoiding housework.