Thursday, January 15, 2009

Killing Birds With Sour Grapes


Eagles fans have no class. This is a well known fact in every city. I was told today --by an Eagles fan-- that I should root for the Eagles to keep the Lombardi Trophy in the NFC East. This is like saying I should pull for the Red Sox when they play in the World Series. It's sacrilege. Not interested. (By the way, Donovan McNabb is the least intelligent star in all of sports to consistently have the media's attention while inexplicably flying under the radar for being an idiot who barely speaks english.)

I'm rooting for the Cardinals because they're the least of four evils. I felt like the Giants were the best team in football this year. For the first time in as long as I can remember, they were consistently fun to watch on both sides of the ball and for the vast majority of the season. They beat some really good teams - all four teams that are left, in fact. Then they lost last week to an Eagles team that barely made the playoffs.  While I can't say I'd even enjoy it, a Cardinal Superbowl victory would adequately emphasize the absurdity of this football season as a whole. I enjoy an underdog story, but only when it involves my team, like last year. When it's someone else's, it's for the birds.  Or maybe the Steelers.

The Ravens shouldn't win because they have a rookie quarterback. If they do, Flacco will be forever overrated just like Ben Roethlesberger, and that's annoying. While I enjoy Ed Reed, I cannot stand Ray Lewis. T-O-O-L.  (I was screaming that while I typed it.)  Forget the murder charges (innocent until proven guilty), it's like this guy thinks he's delivering a sermon every time someone sticks a microphone in his face. His voice gets all high pitched and raspy, he ceaselessly invokes the almighty, never failing to mention he's a Ravens fan. It's infuriating. As if these reasons were insufficient, Art Modell stole the Browns from Cleveland in the middle of the night, moving them to Baltimore before the 1996 season.  This would be their second Superbowl in Baltimore --SECOND-- since 2000. And who'd they beat in 2000? Jim Fassel's Giants, that's who.

Perpetually overrated Ben Roethlesberger is annoying. Additionally, the Steelers have Kevin Barry's fiance playing safety, and girls just don't belong in the NFL. It's a violent game.  She should start doing yoga or something.  Moreover, if Pittsburgh wins, the media will start talking about Roethlesberger's place in history as though he's a historically elite quarterback, which is a joke but not a very good one.  Ben manages games well.  He's a winner.  End of story. No need to anoint him amongst the greatest.                

This leaves us with the Cardinals, easily one of the most futile franchises in all of sports: They play in a stadium named after a college that exists in cyberspace.  They have a fumble prone quarterback who wears a glove on his throwing hand, humps bibles, and sprays the ball all over the place*.   Want to know who they beat during the regular season this year?  NO ONE.  Their best win, by far, was the Miami Dolphins, who they played in cyberspace at University of Phoenix stadium.  They have no business hosting this game, let alone playing in it.  This really is a no brainer for me.  Go Cards.  

 

*That is, when he doesn't fumble.

No comments: