Goose

So I am going to be leaving the nest this weekend and spending some time with three buddies from college at a bar in New Hampshire. We'll be staying with my college roommate who currently resides there. He's given to complaining about coming to Boston as all of our college friends that live in the area are saddled down girlfriends and all the luggage contained therein. The crux of his malcontent seems to be our collective unwillingness to be play wingman.

Well, I just called him to give him the heads up: I'm making it a point to be a great wingman this weekend. I also warned him he would have to provide me with a refresher course as I've long since forgotten the ways of the single man and their predatory practices. Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. Approach mildly attractive female, "Hey. What's up? I'm gay.....so I'm not hitting on you. My buddy [point to buddy] isn't gay though. He's actually pretty homophobic [shake head like you're acknowledging that your friendship doesn't really make sense. So, what'd'yah think? Would you have casual sex with him?"

2. "Hey. Can I buy you a drink?"

Gorgeous babe responds, "Of course you can."

I respond, "Eeeeehh, I don't really want to. I'm in a monogamous relationship with an Italian dictator. [point to friend] I think he does though. That's my buddy. Some people think he's cooler than he looks. Have you ever heard the saying, 'Don't judge a book by its cover?' Can he buy you a drink? He's sensitive and caring and he doesn't have any communicable diseases that I know of."

3. I act really beligerently drunko and pretend to hit on some broad. My buddy comes in, separates me from her, ernestly apologizes for my behavior, and then takes it from there.

4. "Hey. What's up?" See that guy over there [point to friend]. He was at the urinal next to me in the bathroom just now. WOW! [make face of utter disbelief, shock, and awe] Just thought you might like to know. Actually, you should take a look for yourself." Shrug and make face as if to say "balls in your court" and walk away.