At approximately 8:30, Trish, James' wife, told Marty and I to keep James distracted. We dutifully obliged, chatting him up about nothing in particular, par for the course. Everything was going according to plan when suddenly I noticed James' eyes drift over my shoulder and follow someone or something behind me as it moved through the bar and back towards us and the bathroom.
“Did you guys see that?” James asked, brow furrowed with confusion.
“See what?” Marty and I responded in unison.
“I think a midget just went into the bathroom.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about…” we responded more ore less in unison.
At this point I was ready to explode. This was too good. Cool Hand Marty continued telling some stupid story in the hopes that James would drop the subject. I tried to play it cool.
“Did you guys get me a midget?” he asked, his face suddenly lit up with hope. “You guys... got me a midget!”
“We didn’t get you anything,” Martin said. I just shrugged. Any second now, we wouldn't have to pretend anymore...
Practically on cue. the midget emerged from the bathroom appropriately dressed in a teddy and a thong. Everyone cheered as she spun James around on his bar stool and gave him a crazy little lap dance.
Little did I know, it was a bad idea to be standing so close to the action. Once she was done with James she grabbed me and sat me down on a stool in the middle of the bar and she took all my shirts off one by one (sweater, button down, then undershirt) and suddenly….. I was shirtless and really self-conscious about it in front of roughly 35 people. The midget leaned in and asked me, “Are you married?”
“Yeah, she’s right there!” I eagerly pointed at Moose. She went over and grabbed her and laid her down on a table in the middle of the bar, laid on top of her, spread her legs, and demanded I join them. Again, I obliged. One big happy family, we simulated a midget sandwich sexual encounter while the crowd roared. It’s pretty weird to look into your wife’s eyes while a midget’s writhing around between you. You'll likely have to take my word for it.
Suddenly, she whispered in my ear, “Pick me up!”
“Excuse me?”
She repeated herself. Yet again, I obliged. As I lifted her up she wrapped her legs around my waist and rode me like an upside down horse. This was happening. I was lightly buzzed enough to play along, though still painfully and self-consciously uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Then, suddenly, as quickly as it began, it was all over… And I was left to retrieve my clothes, and my dignity, which was strewn throughout the bar.
“Yeah, she’s right there!” I eagerly pointed at Moose. She went over and grabbed her and laid her down on a table in the middle of the bar, laid on top of her, spread her legs, and demanded I join them. Again, I obliged. One big happy family, we simulated a midget sandwich sexual encounter while the crowd roared. It’s pretty weird to look into your wife’s eyes while a midget’s writhing around between you. You'll likely have to take my word for it.
Suddenly, she whispered in my ear, “Pick me up!”
“Excuse me?”
She repeated herself. Yet again, I obliged. As I lifted her up she wrapped her legs around my waist and rode me like an upside down horse. This was happening. I was lightly buzzed enough to play along, though still painfully and self-consciously uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Then, suddenly, as quickly as it began, it was all over… And I was left to retrieve my clothes, and my dignity, which was strewn throughout the bar.
Happy Birthday, James.
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