Dumber & Dumb

Preamble:
Marty’s a close friend of mine even though he works in the self-aggrandizing, self-important world of high finance. I exaggerate and I kid. I actually like everyone he’s felt compelled to introduce me to, but I’m trying to paint a picture for the purposes of what will assuredly be another mediocre story. But I digress, Marty’s mildly successful, works hard, and, in keeping with his peers, takes himself very seriously. Coincidentally, he works “on the same desk” as someone else named Seamus. Together, they are the mover and shaker’s mover and shaker, wheeling and dealing all over the eastern seaboard in expensive suits and Vineyard Vines ties.

Story:
Cell phone rings at 7:00am. I’m out of it. That’s an understatement. My eyes actually well up with tears when the highlights of Minnesota’s 12th inning victory over Detroit culminate in frenzied celebration. I’m clinically brain dead. I’m watching SportsCenter at almost no volume, so as not to awaken the slumbering dictator in the other room, while putting the finishing touches on a carefully crafted work ensemble. The phone’s ringing catches me off guard and by “catch me off guard” I mean I jumped a little and shrieked like a mouse.

“Hello?”

“Seamus, it’s Jennifer from New York.”

“Uh…. Uhhhh…… Hi Jennifer.” At this point, I’m beginning to think she’s someone from home office but have no real clue. Her name doesn’t ring familiar, and I can’t think of anything I have going on at work that would require a 7:30am cellular phone call from home office.

“Jennifer Toll. I know you’re traveling today, but I need to set up a conference call between you, Logan Stilton, Thadius Redclay, Tristrom Barstove III, and Terence Wilforke.”

I’m traveling today? Am I supposed to be traveling today? Shit! “Ok! Let’s do it. What do you need from me? Ready when you are.” Shit! Where the hell am I supposed to be going today?!”

Wait a second! Logan Stilt? That sounds familiar.

“Jennifer?”

“Seamus?”

“Jennifer, do you think I’m Seamus Parker?”

“You’re not Seamus Parker?”

“I’m Seamus O’Connell. Although you can’t tell right now over the phone, I’m actually much better looking than Seamus Parker. Did Marty put you up to this?”

“Mr. Martino gave me your number.”

“Mr. Martino is Martin. Don’t let him fool you. He’s an idiot.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry for the inconvenience!”

“Jennifer, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m actually a little disappointed. I really wanted to be on that call. Sounds like a doozy. Tell Seamus, Logan Stilton, Thadius Redclay, Tristrom Barstove III, Terence Wilforke, and Mr. Martin that I said hello. We’ll really need their best heading into the heart of the 4th quarter here if this flagship international corporation is to remain afloat.”

“Will do.” She laughs uncomfortably because I sound serious, but also like I have no idea what I’m talking about.

"Click."

Moral of the Story: This is what I love about Marty: just when I think I’m rock bottom stupid on some random, rainy morning, he was actually even dumber, first.