As previously described, Mussolini went out of town a couple days ago on business.

Home alone after dark, I did what any red blooded American dude would do...... rented porn. JK JK. I got high. Then I almost went to bed at a reasonable hour purely out of habit. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, setting the alarm, when I remembered; I was home alone!

I went back downstairs and watched Baseball Tonight and SportsCenter until I had both shows practically memorized. Then I listened to Arcade Fire's Neon Bible, in complete darkness, sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor like that DaVinci painting of the naked dude prominently featured in DaVinci Code the book....only I'm pretty sure I wasn't naked.

The album ended and I found myself back within myself. I decided it was time for bed. I sauntered through the darkness to the bathroom to pee and wash up. Keep in mind I was still pretty high. I got into the bathroom and the toilet seat was down. I froze.

The toilet seat is down. What the fuck? I never put the toilet seat down.

Seriously. Never. Just ask Mussolini.

Someone must have broken into my apartment, gone to the bathroom, and put the toilet seat down! Holy shit!

As all of this ran through my head I started peeing as if this were business as usual. I stood there in the dark, peeing all over the toilet cover, pee spilling onto the floor, plotting my next move.

If I were a burglar, where would I hide? Behind the shower curtain obviously. I wonder if he's armed?

After tucking my pee pee away, I ripped open the shower curtain.... Nobody.

Then I heard a creak upstairs. Instinctively, my fists clenched, and I bent a bit at the knees, ready to fight for my survival. I think I thought I was Bruce Willis or some shit. Live Free or Die Blah.

Then, suddenly, I realized what was going on. I relaxed my hands, straightened up, and went to bed... But it wasn't until the morning that I came to the realization I had pissed all over the toilet and floor.

Don't do drugs.