Smut....Apparently not all Smut

While at the "office" yesterday afternoon, I happened upon a trashy gossip magazine surely purchased by Mussolini. I flipped through it's pages as I am sometimes given to do while at the "office", looking for some revealing photos of some Hollywood babes. To my surprise, I found something that was actually relevant: AN UPDATE ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE OF SAVED BY THE BELL CAST!!!!!!!

Instinctually, I began singing the song to myself, "When I wake up in the morning and the wagawogawornin I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look, I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by, it's alright cause I'm saved by the beeeeellll. When my teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess, and my dog ate all my homework last night. Ridin' low in my chair, she won't know that I'm there, if I can hand it in tomorrow it will be alright! It's alright cause I'm saved by the beeeeeelll." I think Jimmy Page wrote and studio-jammed that guitar solo by the way.

But I digress, these blurbs, from which AC Slater was conspiculously absent....presumably because the rocket scientists that write for this magazine know that their entire readership already knows Mario Lopez is on Dancing with the Stars, were even accompanied by pictures!

Zack, aka "Mark Paul Gosslar", has enjoyed stints in movies and on NYPD Blue. He's married with a couple of kids. He didn't marry Kelly :(

Screech, aka "Dustin Diamond", has reduced himself to something ridiculous (I can't even remember specifics) in order to prevent the bank from forclosing on his house in Wisconsin. Mussolini later mentioned something about a [leaked] porno featuring my favorite tool. Who didn't see this coming? I mean, it's still hysterical but seriously, I knew this was coming before the high school was even transplanted from Indiana to California. Who didn't?

Lisa Turtle, aka "Lark Voorhies", who looks disgusting, apparently wrote a book about the nature of intelligence or something like that; something she had no business even thinking about let alone writing and having published.

Jesse Spanno, "Elizabeth Something", already wowed us with her turn in that movie where she was naked the entire time. Showgirls! Showgirls was it's name. She overdosed on caffeine pills (life imitating art) or something.

Kelly Kopowski, "Tiffany Amber Thiessen", and her career have fizzled. Her head's so round you could stick a finger in each nostril, your thumb in her mouth, and bowl a 250. She's not doing anything interesting and/or funny. I should note, however, that in second grade I carried a little headshot of Kelly Kopowski around in my wallet. Velcro wallet that I'm pretty sure never had any cash in it, just that headshot of my first love.

Last but not least, Principal Belding, aka "Belding?", who's gained some weight but really looks no different than he did when he patrolled the halls of Bayside High, now gives motivational speeches to college students!!!!!!! Now that's hilarious! If someone ever asks you, and they probably will, to rattle off every motivational speaker you know of, just think of the people you know of who are the least qualified but that would sound the most ridiculous while attempting to motivate an auditorium full of college students. Your list will be 90% accurate as the role call of motivational speakers includes every moron/parodyofarealperson you can think of. Sidebar: When he's not giving motivational speeches, Belding's masterbating in the bathrooms of high schools accross America.

Oink oink babe.