What’s the deal with old man gym locker room nudity? If you’re going to be naked, is there an associated etiquette? Is pointing three hair dryers at your genitals in plane view within that framework?
I ate a banana this morning and almost threw the peel out the window of my car. "It’s biodegradable" I told myself. But then I decided against it when the image of a stranger stepping on it, slipping, and falling entered my head. Does this ever really happen? Or is this just a cartoon phenomenon?
Has anyone ever been polled? Judging by what I read and the volume of polls referenced therein, there are a toooooon of polls going on right at this very moment. How come no one I have ever heard of has been polled? They would have told me right? Where is all this polling done?
Every single woman in my soon to be old office complains constantly and about everything. Why is this? “It’s too cold in here”, “my chair’s uncomfortable”, “I hate the color combination in here, when are the painters coming?” “I need more storage space”, “I need more desk space!” Shut up!
Are elephants really afraid of mice?
Does Jesus still sport a beard? If so, is it all scraggly like it must have been when he was on earth? Or do they have the same shaving technology in heaven that we have here on earth?
Do baseball players realize it’s hilarious when they lean their bats up against their cups while they tighten their batting gloves? Judging by their faces, you’d think they didn’t know these games are even televised. If only I were a big leaguer....
How does Pitchfork Media rationalize having given Paris Hilton’s new single a positive review? Why is she still treated like an aristocrat? She’s in a night vision porno for god’s sake. Most real porn stars are too good for night vision film.
Why are old people always so something? So stupid, so hairy, so quiet, so nice, so wrinkly, so pissed off, so bitter, so smelly, so punctual, so deaf. Why?
Did TO really try to kill himself?
How badly does it hurt to quarterback an NFL game after having ruptured your spleen?
How come I can be so distract-able, spending significant amounts of time getting excited about football and weddings, when the world is such a shitty place with so many shitty things going on at any given shitty moment?
What are these “[ ]”? They’re always in newspaper articles but I don’t get ‘em. I used to think they were words inserted by the author that the person they’re quoting did not actually say but probably meant….but I don’t think that’s right.
Which ND will show up this weekend against Purdue?
Will the Giants make the playoffs?
How many games will it take the Yankees to win the World Series this year?
How come I sweat while sitting perfectly still?
Should I see Jackass II? The first one was pretty funny.
Is Hugo Chavez as crazy as the media has made him out to be?
How come I typically associate American Jews with liberalism and also with the unconditional support of Israel (obviously Chomsky isn't my archaetype)? For example, on what basis does Woody Allen cast his vote? Isn’t there a contradiction to be overcome here?
How much money will George W. Bush command for speaking engagements once he is an ex-president? Not much, right? I mean, certainly not Bill Clinton money.
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3 comments:
Sean, I finally got around to reading one of your articles. I forwarded the link to Claiborne a while ago and she won't shut up about it. You didn't hear it from me, but I think she's been disguising her identity and posting inappropriate comments.
I was unaware that you were writing about my locker room habits, but to answer your question: yes, it is appropriate to air dry your member with positioned blow driers. But only when you're eight inches plus.
In terms of your other questions, I'll try and answer as many of them as I can:
1) Yes, people can slip on banana peels. I slipped on one once; it was in the center of an ice rink.
2) No, no one really gets polled. It's all fabrication. I did partake in a focus group once for $30 cash and a copy of the DVD game they were testing. I never used the game, but I imagine my insights were valuable in its creation.
3) No, elephants are not afraid of mice. It's a commonly used analogy to describe someone or something that has an irrational fear. They are however terribly afraid of kittens, their only natural predator.
4) This is an unitentional trick question: Jesus never had a beard. Mary Magdallin, in accordance with the traditions of that era, did and still does.
5) No, baseball players are unaware of their silliness when they lean bats against their genitals. Like most atheletes, they have no sense of humor. In fact, most of them don't really know where they are at any given moment.
6) The reason why Pitchfork gave Paris a good review is because she blew one, if not all, of the staff members. I shouldn't have to tell you that, it's that obvious.
7) Old people, like infants, can't multitask. They usually figure out what they're naturally inclined to do, and they focus on that. Side note: I HATE infants and old people.
8) Why would TO try and kill myself... unless it was death by sex vampires.
9) I wouldn't know if it would hurt to play a professional football game with a ruptured spleen, but I imagine that whoever you're talking about is too stupid to feel pain.
10) You're so distractable because you've rotted your brain with television and candy. It's as simple as that: Television and candy.
11) I don't read anything anymore, let alone newspapers, but I would imagine the [] would be some sort of sexual referrence.
12) Which ND? Nate Dog.
13) Giants? How many teams are there? If there are two, I'd say they have a pretty good shot, but any more than four and I'd say it's not that likely. You like my statistical ananlysis?
14) Don't you think you're being a bit presumptuous about the Yankees? I'll bet you $20 that they don't win.
15) You sweat while your perfectly still because you when you're writing you're using your brain, a muscle that has laid dorment for the past 25 years. After a few years your sweat glads might stop mistaking your brain for a real muscle. Side note, my briefs are wet from this long-winded response.
16) Wait till Jackass 2 comes out on video. Many would disagree, but I didn't think it wasn't as good as the first. Maybe I've just grown up a little... fuck.
17) Who the fuck is Hugo Chavez?
18) Liberal Jews run Hollywood. Hebrew Box Office, nuff said.
19) George Bush will run and subsequently win a third and fourth election, despite ammendments in the constitution against such action. In his final term, he will erradicate the voting system in the name of democracy, and establishing himself as the first American Monarch. He will shortly there after liquidate the House of Represenatives, and by liquidate I mean behead on national television. He will then turn our streets into military zones, open concentration camps and use media for propaganda and mind control, all in the name of stopping terrorism and terrorist sympathizers. As his power grows, public dissaproval will cause those who once imposed their wills thru the King to begin to deny him counsel and alliance and will be cast to the wayside. In the end, he will be the only one left to claim responsibility for his actions and he will begin to mentally detiorate. Oh wait, this already happened. After 2008 I guess he'll probably just move back to the farm and rape sheep until the reaper comes to claim his soul.
I hope I've been helpful, and please feel contact me at Mike@pitchforkmedia.com if you want me to review your blog.
Antony?!
Why can't Astronauts burp in space???
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