Sports!

I didn’t watch nearly enough sports this past weekend. The Yankees weren’t on television in New England, I don’t understand ESPN’s fascination with professional poker, televised darts just doesn’t do it for me, and it’s tough to get excited about pre-season football unless I’m on the phone with my dad and we’re sharing our disdain for the mandatory purchase of pre-season tickets in his Giants’ season-ticket package. That's ridiculous right? This is not to say this weekend passed without incident however. 3 potential conversation pieces stand out in my mind: 1. The sausage eating contest in Sheboygan Wisconsin, 2. The beginning of the Little League World Series and 3. ESPN naming the Texas Longhorns as their pre-season number one.

Should professional eating be considered a sport? I don’t really know. I didn’t even actually watch the contest, just briefly caught its introduction. Is Kobayashi amazing? A freak? Yes and yes. Have I recently engaged in a binge eating contest much like I used to play in pretend football games in my front yard by myself (as Phil Simms, Stephen Baker The Touchdown Maker, and Lawrence Taylor all at the same time)…only fueled here less by innocence and imagination, and more by booze? Yes. Dumplings. Chinatown. The winning dumpling was actually stolen off my fork by the bongo player from Girls Guns and Glory….who went on to win in what can only be described as a significant upset. There WILL be a rematch.

Even still, seeing the “chef” brown the brats and drop them into a tub of beer and onions was enough for me. Kobayashi won by like 11 wieners. I’m sure he’s pooping as we speak. Where am I going with all this? I’m not sure. In order to adequately appreciate brilliance of this magnitude, everyone should drink too much with some friends and head over to Chinatown or your favorite wing place for a fat boy battle royale. I promise it will get those competitive juices flowing….among others.

I did have a point. We, as Americans, should be ashamed. Competitive eating is dominated by a muscular Japanese man. Forget the decline of American basketball and copious amounts of war-waging/masterminding/manipulation, this is something that MUST be addressed right away! As the fattest shits in the world, we owe it to ourselves to spend more time and resources on competitive eating. We need to get our tubs of shit off of the couch and into these contests. I recommend a grass roots campaign. Turn to the fat ass next to you and spread the good word. If they whine, "I have a glandular problem," don't believe them.

The Little League World Series has begun. I caught the Southeast Regional Final on Friday. Georgia’s pitcher was about 6’ tall with an 80 mph fastball. 80 mph! Do you understand how fast that is? If his coaches could only get him to straighten out his hat and stop marching around the mound like Eminem ( rap limping), it might have been possible for me to root for that bastard. I want Georgia to go down!

While he was dominant, the Florida team was able to put the ball in play, albeit inconsistently. Everyone should pay attention to the LLWS. While you can be certain to see some pretty obnoxious parents and coaches, you’ll also get to see the best kids in the world playing a kids’ game. Have I mentioned they’re really filthy and sure to make Sportscenter’s top 10 consistently for the rest of the month? Usually the key to the LLWS is a dominant pitcher. The last few teams standing will have one or two kids with facial hair and fast balls in the upper 70’s. More often than not, they’re just too much for the opposing hitters. While impressive and entertaining, the best games usually feature both teams’ number two/three guys. These are the games that showcase the bats, gloves and true colors of both teams…and it’s fantastic. The pride of New Jersey was eliminated last night but Staten Island. Bummer. I can't root for those kids. Due to proximity, I'm adopting Portsmouth NH.

In a surprisingly shortsighted prediction- short on creativity and long on lame- ESPN named Texas its preseason college football number 1. I guess because they won the national championship last year??? Since 1980, only USC has won consecutive national championships with some semblance of consensus among the polls (and now BCS). Under Carroll, USC has been a talent factory with a sophisticated offensive scheme.

Mack Brown has signed Texas’ blue-chip talent throughout his tenure. This isn't up for debate. He’s gone undefeated once since 1998 and it took a playmaker like Vince Young (freak) to push the program over the top (I know football is a team game but if you think Texas had a chance against USC without Vince Young last year you’re an idiot). The fact that Brown has to choose between a red-shirt freshman in Colt McCoy and freshman Jevan Snead is less of an obstacle when you consider the Texas’ relatively simple offensive scheme. It will not surprise me or help them, however, if Brown is indecisive with his two young quarterbacks like he was in 2000 with Applewhite and Simms. And make no mistake, Texas will be good, especially in a paltry Big 12, but there is no way they beat Ohio State. The Oklahoma game should be interesting as well, with their similarly unclear circumstances at the quarterback position but the talent I’ve come to expect out of both programs.